Out of the Monastery

“I see trees of green... red roses too

I see skies of blue... clouds of white

Bright blessed days... dark sacred nights.

And I think to myself ... what a wonderful world."

-Louis Armstrong

Stop

Danger zones, denials, triggers, enablers, powerlessness, relapse, the continuous cycle.

Rather... could it be possible... to focus on the obvious.

Addiction is harmful, destructive.
Therefore now is the time to stop it, to end it forever!

Now:
stop all negotiation,
stop all thoughts,
stop any action,
with or for the addiction.

Forever!

Change

Life pulled tight, living in a daily addiction.
Yesterday, today, tomorrow, now, I do not drink.
I going to kill the addiction, destroy it forever.
Embrace living life-free.
Normal.

Miles

Quick update on my bicycle mileage:
Total 1335
High month 418
High week 127
High day 30

Have, probably, the same in total mileage riding on buses and Trax. 32 months to go.

And so it goes...

I'm on my way to be with my fellow travelers on this journey of sobriety (i.e. group), and as I dismount off my bike I notice that the Tracks-Train has a billboard displaying the following:
Two pictures of the same person, side-by-side, for comparison purposes.
Picture one (in my humble and unpaid opinion) is of a gal with her hair, makeup, and studio lighting done by professionals. She wears a smile (her own, I believe) and a blue shirt with white lettering: "In College".
Picture two is sans any professional artistic work, looks as if she has been awake for forty eight hours, and dare we say it is a bad hair day. She wears a frown (her own, I believe) and a blue shirt with white lettering: "In Rehab".

And so it goes...

My Return

I have not forgot about blogging. I am in the middle of a move to a new home. I am waiting on Comcast to run cable and internet to my new place. I am doing this blog from the public library. I shall be back.

Another Ride

It's a Plain-Jane. Built it from three old used bikes left in my new garage (old garage - new to me).
It's a two speeder. With kick back shift, and coaster brake. I kept the front brake incase the rear brake fails. The rear brake is internal, you back peddle to engage the brake.
Single sprocket front and rear, no derailleurs.
Ah, back to my childhood.

Now

Right now you may have resolve; perhaps due to a recent drinking bout you may even have a hangover and probably some guilt and remorse. But we all find that slips away pretty quickly, and we can start accepting unhealthy beliefs again. Create and repeat new replacement beliefs and activities every day.

Unto Others

Interpersonal effectiveness often involves getting others to do things for you, which may seem rude or bossy. But learning to assert your self can be a key practice in attaining sobriety or changing other unhealthy behaviors. Why? Because peer pressure is a major obstacle to abstinence and change. You can change your thinking, communicate more effectively, stay true to your values, and learn to recognize your competence. Then you can say ‘yes’ when you want to, and mean ‘no’ when you say it.

Thought

Your addiction wants you to be powerless, destroying
you one-drink-at-a-time for the rest of your life.

First

Addiction comes before thought.

59 days, 8 weekends sober

In Contact

Since I'm riding the bicycle as my main transport, this following paragraph taken from the novel, Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, by Robert Pirsig, expresses a feeling I have at times while I bike on...

On a [bi]cycle the frame is gone. You're completely in contact with all. You're in the scene, not just watching it anymore, and the sense of presence is overwhelming. That concrete whizzing by five inches below your foot is the real thing, the same stuff you walk on, it's right there, so blurred you can't focus on it, yet you can put your foot down and touch it anytime, and the whole thing, the whole experience, is never removed from immediate consciousness.

53 days, 7 weekends sober

Higher Power

I believe that the Universe embraces the all, everything. There is no interference, no chance, for behind every event are the necessary causes, and that beyond every event will be necessary effects. The entire universe is, in some way, connected; every persons nurturing thoughts, emotions, words, beliefs and actions are in harmony with the mysterious flow of cause and effect at every scale. Neither denials, nor delusion can change the fact. The universe is as it is, and it will be as it must be.

47 days, 6 weekends sober

Six Strategy's to Increase Happiness

This came along to me in a email. Thought I would add the information to the NewLife blog. It is the written (research) work of a Marelisa Fábrega.

And now it begins...

In recent years there has been an explosion of research on happiness, optimism, positive emotions and healthy character traits. While psychology has traditionally concerned itself with what ails the human mind--such as anxiety, depression, neurosis, obsessions, paranoia, and delusions--, a new branch of psychology, aptly named “positive psychology”, asks the question: "What are the enabling conditions that make human beings flourish?" That is, the goal of positive psychology is to study what actively makes people feel fulfilled, engaged, and happy.

In addition, neuro-scientists are studying how the brain can be rewired in such a way that makes happiness more likely. Below you’ll find six strategies from the fields of positive psychology and neuroscience that will help you increase your current level of happiness.

• Set the Intent to be Happier
  Robert Holden, Ph.D., Director of the Happiness Project in the United Kingdom, argues in his book, “Happiness Now! Timeless Wisdom for Feeling Good Fast” that having the intent and making a commitment to be happier is key. He explains that “intention” is another word for “focus”, and whatever we focus on will become more apparent and will grow. If we focus on happiness, instead of focusing on all the things that are going wrong, then that's what we will become more aware of.

• Count Your Blessings
  Robert Emmons, Ph.D., is a pioneer in the scientific study of how gratitude affects people’s health and happiness levels. He has scientific proof—which he discusses in his book “Thanks! How the New Science of Gratitude Can Make You Happier”--that shows that when people regularly engage in the systematic cultivation of gratitude, they experience a variety of measurable psychological, physical, and interpersonal benefits. In fact, he explains that people who regularly practice grateful thinking can increase their set point of happiness by as much as twenty five percent. He adds that keeping a gratitude journal for as little as three weeks can result in better sleep and more energy.

• Practice Happiness Boosters
  Dr. Tal Ben-Shahar taught Harvard University's most popular course in the Spring of 2006: “PSY 1504 – Positive Psychology”. In his book “Happier: Learn the Secrets to Daily Joy and Lasting Fulfillment”, he explains that we need to incorporate happiness boosters into our everyday life.
  
  Happiness boosters are simple things which we enjoy doing, and can include things such as: having lunch with a good friend, reading a gripping novel, savoring a cup of freshly roasted coffee out on the balcony, filling out the newspaper’s crossword puzzle, taking a warm bath, and so on. Dr. Ben-Shahar explains that we should each have a list of happiness boosters that we personally enjoy, and we need to make sure that we practice at least one item on our list every day.

• Be Kind to Others
  Stephen G. Post, Ph.D., has the following to say about helping others:“All the great spiritual traditions and the field of positive psychology are emphatic on this point — that the best way to get rid of bitterness, anger, rage, jealousy [and so on] is to do unto others in a positive way.” He adds that there are studies that show that when people act with generosity and compassion, there’s a positive effect on their health and well-being. Sonja Lyubomirsky, author of “The How of Happiness: A Scientific Approach to Getting the Life You Want, recommends that we choose one day of the week during which we perform five acts of kindness for others.

• Meditate
  Richard Davidson, a prominent neuroscience professor at the University of Wisconsin-Madison, has studied the brains of Buddhist monks who have meditated for many years. When tested against a group of non-meditators, larger areas of the meditators' brains were active, particularly in the left prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for positive emotions. Dr. Davidson’s data claims that if people sit quietly for just half an hour a day thinking about kindness and compassion, their brains will show noticeable changes in just two weeks.

• Focus on Your Strengths
  Dr. William Kent Larkin is a Yale and Harvard educated researcher specializing in applied neuroscience integrating positive psychology and quantum physics. In his book “Growing the Positive Mind, he argues that instead of focusing on fixing our weaknesses, as our society often encourages us to do, we can sustain an up spiral of positivity by concentrating on growing our unique personal strengths. He adds that personal strengths have infinite malleability, they can grow enormously, and when they do, they undo and heal weaknesses. We can create an up spiral of positive emotions by setting goals based on our strengths.

Psychologists have discovered that we each have a set point of happiness that we tend to return to throughout our lives. Roughly 50 percent of this happiness set point is determined by our genes, 10 percent by life circumstances—our marital status, our jobs, where we live, and so on--, and the remaining 40 percent by what we do and how we think. That is, 40% of our happiness is determined by our intentional activities and strategies. By applying the six strategies presented above, as well as many other strategies--including practicing forgiveness, nurturing relationships, enjoying the journey instead of focusing only on the achievement of goals, and so on--, we can start increasing our happiness right away.


42 days, 5 weekends sober

Spiritual Wellness in Thirteen Words

Consciousness, commitment, coherence, choice, conscience, compassion, cooperation, challenge, connectedness, comprehensibility, confusion, control, confidence.
- Keyes

41 days, 5 weekends sober

New Rides - Redux

A fact: I will not have a driver's license for 3 years. May 13, 2013 is the day I can again be part of the motoring public. So, here is the new rides I will be using for the next 1096 days. I know 365 * 3 is equal to 1095, but 2012 is a leap year and that is a add 1, yea.

37 days, 5 weekends sober

Needs

The needs, the progeny of motivation, from the very basic to the most complex:
1. Physiology (hunger, thirst, sleep, etc.)
2. Safety/Security/Shelter/Health
3. Belonging/Love/Friendship
4. Self-esteem/Recognition/Achievement
5. Self actualization

33 days, 4 weekends sober

Side Affects

I have found that a consequence of my drinking was that I also pulled along those who where with me. Many of my friends would of drank less if they had not tried to keep up with me. Drink-shot-repeat. This realization has left me thinking of the unintended side effects of one's actions.

Change

Change is difficult. We change by force or our own nature. Whether received by direction, choice or happenstance the success of a great transformation-life, relationship, character-the escape from the unwanted, to break cover and quickly leap the abyss takes desire, belief, and passion.
Is my desire strong enough? Am I willing to accept the consequence, including those unintended, that the desired change will cause. Can your belief be challenged? Can you accept the discomfort of honest and pointed inquires to your beliefs? Do your core beliefs support this change? Can you harness your passion to encompass this wanted change? If your passion burns out will this effect your belief, your desire?
When your answers are honest and without delusion, the burden of proving will be realized and you can do the work and take the pain that deep meaningful change demands.
Seize this trident and make your universal leap to change.

30 days, 4 weekends sober

NewLife - Heart of Darkness 4

"... No, it is impossible; impossible to grasp, the life-sensation of ones desire to exist in carafe of alcohol delusion-that which makes its mangled truth, its meaning-its subtle and penetrating essence. It is impossible to be free of-to conquer. Hold these shackles, ride it's urges with white knuckle devotion, thereby conjuring the possible from that; that was impossible-release. To live, as we dream-each day...."
-Parabiotic, NewLife

"... No, it is impossible; it is impossible to convey the life-sensation of any given epoch of ones existence-that which makes its truth, its meaning-its subtle and penetrating essence. It is impossible. We live, as we dream-alone...."
-J. Conrad, Heart of Darkness

Defiance

A willingness to contend, challenge, and fight. Have a disposition to resist.
In defiance of the irrational and the aberration of addiction. Lead the charge, challenge the affront of alcoholism. Never give up, never stop. Be defiant.

26 days, 3 weekends sober.

Does It End

Does the disgust with self every end? The thoughts come and sit for a time then leave.

23 days, 3 weekends sober

Daily

Forward, onward, all in, everyday.

21 days, 2 weekends sober

Good-bye friend

I have not had an urge to drink for awhile. What "feeling" I have experienced is loss. The loss of a friendship, as if standing, looking at, shaking hands with, and knowing this is the last time I shall see my friend. Good-bye friend.

20 days, 2 weekends sober

Pain in the back

In a time, not so long ago, I experienced a condition known generally as lower back pain. This condition could force me to lay on the floor, “flat on my back”, for up to an hour in an attempt to draw the pain down and to again be able to walk upright. During one of these episodes I received a call from my brother, I reported to him my situation. He told of Dr. John Sarno, and his book on healing back pain.

The gist, the nut shell summary is as follows; Those with back pain do have physical pain, caused by a lack of oxygen to the muscle’s of the affected area. The mind causes this physical pain in an effort to shield the person from a emotional pain. People have become pain-free by learning that they are suffering from a psychosomatic disorder and that structural abnormalities were not the cause of their pain.

After reading about this possibility on the internet that night, making a leap of faith it was true, my back pain was gone by the morning and has not returned (5 years).

Why this story? Abusive drinking, and the associated urges to drink are, at times, an escape, to “drink away”, wall off emotional issues. A psychosomatic disorder? Perhaps. If so, to dissolve the urge to use (emotionally) by having this understand would be a great help in recovery from alcoholism.

19 days, 2 weekends sober

One More

The stillness of a surrendered empty drink, silently echoing to the coined bartender. Tattooing its mark, a masked pleasure of senseless delusion, upon the tattered rag wiped patron. A halting gesture for the next isolated pour, to again join the bent humanity, laboring to lift a sea of spirits.

17 days, 2 weekends sober

Stop

I was attending an event and need to go out side to the car in order to retrieve my eyeglasses. Being an older citizen such equipment is needed to read a event program.
To the car, as I was trying to locate my spectacles I came across a hip flask (4 0z) of rum. A thought, a quick manifestation came to mind; I could drink this and no one would know.
STOP.
I would know. Grabbed my glasses and returned to my seat in the stadium. No drink and the realization of this want, this need has not perished. Work to be done.

16 days, 1 weekend sober

A Thought

The use of alcohol will usually result in a deeply held belief, a belief which will become a way to view the world. This belief, this world view, is so strong that any evidence to the contrary is discounted.

"When problems are experienced by people surrounding, in relationships with, a holder of such a world view, this person is unable to make a connection between these problems and their behavior. When negative consequences occur, they will try to find ways of coping; this coping is based on the distorted world view, resulting in more negative outcomes.

15 days, 1 weekend sober

NewLife - Heart of Darkness 3

The utter stained darkness had closed around him-all that mysterious life of the denied addiction that stirs in the life, in the souls, in the heart of drunken men. There’s no initiation either into such mysteries. He has to live in the midst of the incomprehensible which is also detestable.
-Parabiotic, NewLife

The utter savagery had closed around him-all that mysterious life of the wilderness that stirs in the forest, in the jungles, in the heart of wild men. There’s no initiation either into such mysteries. He has to live in the midst of the incomprehensible which is also detestable.
-Charles Marlow, Heart of Darkness

Do Tell

Whom to tell about my dipsomania? Everyone or no one. Myself, I have told family and close friends. I am about to start Outpatient Therapy (3 times a week for 8 weeks) so that group will know I am a alcoholic (recovering). For me, I see know value in some general announcement to all. I am not hiding from it, it's my addiction to take responsibility for, to manage, to recover from, to never relapse. I do not take the approach that a problem/burden shared is thereby diminished. My present reply to an inquiry as to why I am not drinking is: "I just don't drink".
I understand the value of certain people knowing I am a alcoholic. That knowledgeable family and friends can give me support and help in my recovery. That the interaction in therapy (counselor/group), to come to realize the false thinking and irrational roles that play into addictions, is only possible in the "coming out" and the announcement of the addiction.
In the end, I need to tell those I chose to, and those who can help me. And not to hide from or have fear of, anyone knowing of my problem.

Entomology - Dipsomania
Historically the name dipsomania was coined by German physician Dr. C. W. Hufeland in 1819 before it was superseded by alcoholism. The term "alcoholism" was first used in 1849 by the Swedish physician Magnus Huss to describe the systematic adverse effects of alcohol.

14 days, 1 weekend sober

Wondering

Did I use my drinking to punish? I am wondering this because I know my family and some friends where concerned about my drinking. The concern was heart felt and real. They cared.
Therefore when some type of conflict arose, real or imaginary, I could punish them by drinking and drinking more.
Let me state now; "I do not believe this to be true".
I am only wondering. Wondering if this was a way I was taking/using to feel in control of my relationships. When you are in a alcoholic haze you take actions that are not remembered and easily (for the drunk) to explain away, "What do I remember, nothing, I was drunk. What do you expect." Invalid as that statement is, it seems true to the alcoholic. Also, is not the overuse of alcohol punishment to the user and to all around him?
As I continue on my journey the question will, at sometime, be answered. At this moment it is "no"...

13 days, 1 weekend sober

New Way

I, it seems, have discovered a new way to deliver sugar to my system, candy. Who knew; Snickers, Mounds, Almond Joy, Butterfinger, Kit Kat. I'll be sober, toothless and have a 42 inch waist. Wonderful.

NewLife - Heart of Darkness 2

And indeed nothing is easier for a man who has, as the phrase goes, “followed the drink” with reverence and affection, that to evoke the great spirit of the past upon the lower remembrances of clouded experiences.

-Parabiotic, NewLife

And indeed nothing is easier for a man who has, as the phrase goes, “followed the sea” with reverence and affection, that to evoke the great spirit of the past upon the lower reaches of the Thames.

-Joseph Conrad, Heart of Darkness

CBA

A melancholy day. Started "doing the work" for recovery. Writing out thoughts, behaviors, and likes that I was experiencing during the alcoholic phase of my life. Life judgments, the minuses and pluses, that my addiction allowed me to formulate then commit. The name of this exercise is a Cost/Benefit Analysis (CBA). You develop list under each of the four following topics:
1. What do I enjoy about my addiction?
2. What do I hate about my addiction?
3. What do I think I will like about giving up my addiction?
4. What do I think I won't like about giving up my addiction?
I am going to be adding to these list along the way because I am sure more experiences will occur to me as I move further with my recovery. Moving on...
I was able to force my self to go to the gym and workout in an effort to reduce the darkness of this day. Turned down an offer to play golf in a local tournament. I know this contest, way to much alcohol will be present, I do not need the temptation. Play golf, then drink, I did it a lot.
Time to walk the dog (not a euphemism for anything, really, I am going to walk a dog).

12 days, 1 weekend sober.

NewLife - Heart of Darkness 1

Between all of us at the bar, the bottle, the bond of drink. It made us tolerant of each others story's-and even convictions.
-Parabiotic, NewLife

Between us there was, as I have already said somewhere, the bond of the sea. Besides holding our hearts together through long periods of separation, it had the effect of making us tolerant of each other's yarns-and even convictions.
-Joseph Conrad, Heart of Darkness

Thousand Times

I can quit, I have done it a thousand times.
I have gone without drinking. The duration of these dry spells was from a week to a year. I believed these non-drinking periods where a check on my habit, a way to say I was in control. If I could go "X" amount of days then all was good, I did not have a problem. But a funny thing happened on the way to the coliseum.
1. These checks had a reward at the end, I could drink again. How positive is this when the underlying motivation is drinking again.
2. The idea of having these checks should, in-of-its-self, of been a red flag. You have a problem if your constantly having to put your drinking in check.
Ah, this is one way (of many) I found to put a curtain in front of and to hide the truth from myself. I went from someone who occasionally had only a couple to a problem drinker to an alcoholic. All the time checking my self along the way.

11 days, 1 weekend sober

Weekends

I made the weekend without a drink. Important to me because this was the time I would do most of my drinking. Friday to Sunday was drink and drink time. Binge.
Therefore I am going to keep count of the weekends along with my days. Though I hope someday to stop the counting. A year, two perhaps, or more. I want to become someone who simply does not drink. A choice.

10 days, 1 weekend sober.

Things

I am thinking of things, of things I no longer do and enjoyed. How the loss of these activities, if graphed, would parallel my slow decent into alcoholism. You see dear reader my disease has it's own subtopic name: Binge. I traditionally would go 4 to 5 days and not drink but when the weekend rolled around it was time to dive into the bottle. At most time I was unable to push away and be done with it, no I had to find the bottom of the bottle. I could not waste my time doing things, other stuff, I was busy drinking. Drinking was the activity, empowered.
Ah yes, drinking at bars, a man. What ever the name private club, saloon, cantina, I was there drinking. Drinking, at the bars, that was the activity and my social life.
By being in bars (drinking specifically) I jettisoned trail hiking, biking, horse riding, working out, travel, movies, books, theater, plays, sporting events, relationships. This is a short list but a list that speaks volumes of the high price of addiction to any substance of choice.
My addiction robbed me of all the things that help keep me sane, balanced and joyful.

9 days sober.

Change of habit

I know this weekend could be a bit difficult. The reason being that most (if not all my drinking) was on the weekend. I also seem to be event driven to have a drink (celebration/downfall). Tonight there is a birthday party for a friend of mine, I will not take part . Of the twenty plus people there I would be the only one that does not drink. So with my sobriety so short lived, at this point, I am going to skip the festivities.
A few of the attendees I will see on the trail tomorrow and they can tell and retell me all the gossip and shenanigans that happened at the party. I am sure things will change with each retold edition, much like the size of the fish that gotta-way.
It is interesting how drinking becomes so geared in your life. I felt a slight twinge to have a drink and looked over at the clock, yup, 12:30pm, saturday, beer-thirty. Not for me.
I am looking at this urge to drink as habit. Not all urges are, this one most certainly is, so "change of habit". Instead, I going to get on my bike and go for a ride. Then come home and do yard work.

8 days sober

Good News

I received some good news today. And I wanted to celebrate, a desire to have a drink came over me. My solution; I ate a bunch of Girl Scout Cookies (Thin Mints).

Then guilt. I am about to depart for the gym on my bike so I can burn (earn) off those damn cookies.

SMART Recovery

I have joined a program called Smart Recovery. They are a alcohol recovery organization. The sad part is there is no meetings in this area (closest is 200 miles). They do provide meetings and chat and message boards over the internet. Will this work ? I do not know. Has it worked ? Yes.

SMART Recovery® is a recognized resource for addiction recovery by the American Council on Alcoholism, American Academy of Family Physicians, the Center for Health Care Evaluation, The National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA), US Department of Health and Human Services, and the American Society of Addiction Medicine.

Broken

I am a broken, discontinuous soul.

6 days sober

Bad Day

High stress day. Been talking to insurance companies. Also, looking for a Alcohol rehab center for me. It is very difficult to talk to people and tell them your an alcoholic, an alcoholic addict.

My Rides

This is it. At least for the next year or so... or who knows, I could really like it and make it a life style, reduce my carbon footprint (bike).
The horses are already a life habit. That is what my Gal tells me.

5 days sober.

Emergency

Just returned from the emergency room of our local hospital. A relative checked in with acute abdominal pain. They found nothing, pain went away, and she has been referred to a gastroenterologist. But during the ultrasound, they where looking at her liver, I thought: "I would not want to see mine after 35 years of drinking".

Why did I drink ?

Many reason I am sure, not to say that I am aware of them all at this time. Assuredly the physical addiction is one. This craving, demanding of alcohol was present. (Case in point, my 3am to 4am mental flagellation goes like this: idiot! idiot!! idiot!!! dumb ass! dumb ass!! dumb ass!!! repeat. Then at 4:01am, my mind/body mentions a drink. Do not worry intrepid reader I did not drink.) So, as I unwind the Gordian Knot of my addiction, reasons to occur to me.

Irritation. At almost anything, big or small. This is coupled with a personality trait of mine, nonconfrontational. Yes, bottle it up, do not talk about, do not resolve it, drink it away.

This morning as I rode my bike to feed the horses I noticed the car window was down. This irritated me and brought to my attention, as rode, many other minor things that would irritate me. I would let them stack-up then after beer thirty (12:30pm) I could drink them away. And the great thing was they where left unresolved so I could get to the bottle the next day again.

I resolved it today, I rolled up the window. Wow. And it may happen again, I can just say: 'Please roll-up the windows when you park the car.", easy enough.

Tomorrow I will resolve the crumbs on counter issue.

4 days sober.

Why NewLife?

I was having a cup of coffee two days after my DUI and bemoaning my state. For the last 48 hours I could only think was my life was over. I was putting great stress on my self and forcing my self into a depression.

Then a thought broke through, YES your life is over. That old life of being a drunk is finished.

You are now living a NewLife.

I am a alcoholic

Alcoholism, also known as alcohol dependence, is a disabling addictive disorder characterized by the compulsive and uncontrolled abuse of alcohol, despite adverse effects upon the drinker's health and negative social consequences upon his or her life. Similar to other drug addictions, alcoholism is medically defined as a treatable disease.

Why do I say this? It is true, and have two D.U.I's in six years.

Yes I am seeking counseling, and intend to blog my thoughts as I take this journey of sobriety and the evolution of a new life for me.

I never want to drink again. All my worst decision in life have been while I had/or was drinking.

Three days sober.