NewLife - Heart of Darkness 3

The utter stained darkness had closed around him-all that mysterious life of the denied addiction that stirs in the life, in the souls, in the heart of drunken men. There’s no initiation either into such mysteries. He has to live in the midst of the incomprehensible which is also detestable.
-Parabiotic, NewLife

The utter savagery had closed around him-all that mysterious life of the wilderness that stirs in the forest, in the jungles, in the heart of wild men. There’s no initiation either into such mysteries. He has to live in the midst of the incomprehensible which is also detestable.
-Charles Marlow, Heart of Darkness

Do Tell

Whom to tell about my dipsomania? Everyone or no one. Myself, I have told family and close friends. I am about to start Outpatient Therapy (3 times a week for 8 weeks) so that group will know I am a alcoholic (recovering). For me, I see know value in some general announcement to all. I am not hiding from it, it's my addiction to take responsibility for, to manage, to recover from, to never relapse. I do not take the approach that a problem/burden shared is thereby diminished. My present reply to an inquiry as to why I am not drinking is: "I just don't drink".
I understand the value of certain people knowing I am a alcoholic. That knowledgeable family and friends can give me support and help in my recovery. That the interaction in therapy (counselor/group), to come to realize the false thinking and irrational roles that play into addictions, is only possible in the "coming out" and the announcement of the addiction.
In the end, I need to tell those I chose to, and those who can help me. And not to hide from or have fear of, anyone knowing of my problem.

Entomology - Dipsomania
Historically the name dipsomania was coined by German physician Dr. C. W. Hufeland in 1819 before it was superseded by alcoholism. The term "alcoholism" was first used in 1849 by the Swedish physician Magnus Huss to describe the systematic adverse effects of alcohol.

14 days, 1 weekend sober

Wondering

Did I use my drinking to punish? I am wondering this because I know my family and some friends where concerned about my drinking. The concern was heart felt and real. They cared.
Therefore when some type of conflict arose, real or imaginary, I could punish them by drinking and drinking more.
Let me state now; "I do not believe this to be true".
I am only wondering. Wondering if this was a way I was taking/using to feel in control of my relationships. When you are in a alcoholic haze you take actions that are not remembered and easily (for the drunk) to explain away, "What do I remember, nothing, I was drunk. What do you expect." Invalid as that statement is, it seems true to the alcoholic. Also, is not the overuse of alcohol punishment to the user and to all around him?
As I continue on my journey the question will, at sometime, be answered. At this moment it is "no"...

13 days, 1 weekend sober

New Way

I, it seems, have discovered a new way to deliver sugar to my system, candy. Who knew; Snickers, Mounds, Almond Joy, Butterfinger, Kit Kat. I'll be sober, toothless and have a 42 inch waist. Wonderful.

NewLife - Heart of Darkness 2

And indeed nothing is easier for a man who has, as the phrase goes, “followed the drink” with reverence and affection, that to evoke the great spirit of the past upon the lower remembrances of clouded experiences.

-Parabiotic, NewLife

And indeed nothing is easier for a man who has, as the phrase goes, “followed the sea” with reverence and affection, that to evoke the great spirit of the past upon the lower reaches of the Thames.

-Joseph Conrad, Heart of Darkness

CBA

A melancholy day. Started "doing the work" for recovery. Writing out thoughts, behaviors, and likes that I was experiencing during the alcoholic phase of my life. Life judgments, the minuses and pluses, that my addiction allowed me to formulate then commit. The name of this exercise is a Cost/Benefit Analysis (CBA). You develop list under each of the four following topics:
1. What do I enjoy about my addiction?
2. What do I hate about my addiction?
3. What do I think I will like about giving up my addiction?
4. What do I think I won't like about giving up my addiction?
I am going to be adding to these list along the way because I am sure more experiences will occur to me as I move further with my recovery. Moving on...
I was able to force my self to go to the gym and workout in an effort to reduce the darkness of this day. Turned down an offer to play golf in a local tournament. I know this contest, way to much alcohol will be present, I do not need the temptation. Play golf, then drink, I did it a lot.
Time to walk the dog (not a euphemism for anything, really, I am going to walk a dog).

12 days, 1 weekend sober.

NewLife - Heart of Darkness 1

Between all of us at the bar, the bottle, the bond of drink. It made us tolerant of each others story's-and even convictions.
-Parabiotic, NewLife

Between us there was, as I have already said somewhere, the bond of the sea. Besides holding our hearts together through long periods of separation, it had the effect of making us tolerant of each other's yarns-and even convictions.
-Joseph Conrad, Heart of Darkness

Thousand Times

I can quit, I have done it a thousand times.
I have gone without drinking. The duration of these dry spells was from a week to a year. I believed these non-drinking periods where a check on my habit, a way to say I was in control. If I could go "X" amount of days then all was good, I did not have a problem. But a funny thing happened on the way to the coliseum.
1. These checks had a reward at the end, I could drink again. How positive is this when the underlying motivation is drinking again.
2. The idea of having these checks should, in-of-its-self, of been a red flag. You have a problem if your constantly having to put your drinking in check.
Ah, this is one way (of many) I found to put a curtain in front of and to hide the truth from myself. I went from someone who occasionally had only a couple to a problem drinker to an alcoholic. All the time checking my self along the way.

11 days, 1 weekend sober

Weekends

I made the weekend without a drink. Important to me because this was the time I would do most of my drinking. Friday to Sunday was drink and drink time. Binge.
Therefore I am going to keep count of the weekends along with my days. Though I hope someday to stop the counting. A year, two perhaps, or more. I want to become someone who simply does not drink. A choice.

10 days, 1 weekend sober.

Things

I am thinking of things, of things I no longer do and enjoyed. How the loss of these activities, if graphed, would parallel my slow decent into alcoholism. You see dear reader my disease has it's own subtopic name: Binge. I traditionally would go 4 to 5 days and not drink but when the weekend rolled around it was time to dive into the bottle. At most time I was unable to push away and be done with it, no I had to find the bottom of the bottle. I could not waste my time doing things, other stuff, I was busy drinking. Drinking was the activity, empowered.
Ah yes, drinking at bars, a man. What ever the name private club, saloon, cantina, I was there drinking. Drinking, at the bars, that was the activity and my social life.
By being in bars (drinking specifically) I jettisoned trail hiking, biking, horse riding, working out, travel, movies, books, theater, plays, sporting events, relationships. This is a short list but a list that speaks volumes of the high price of addiction to any substance of choice.
My addiction robbed me of all the things that help keep me sane, balanced and joyful.

9 days sober.

Change of habit

I know this weekend could be a bit difficult. The reason being that most (if not all my drinking) was on the weekend. I also seem to be event driven to have a drink (celebration/downfall). Tonight there is a birthday party for a friend of mine, I will not take part . Of the twenty plus people there I would be the only one that does not drink. So with my sobriety so short lived, at this point, I am going to skip the festivities.
A few of the attendees I will see on the trail tomorrow and they can tell and retell me all the gossip and shenanigans that happened at the party. I am sure things will change with each retold edition, much like the size of the fish that gotta-way.
It is interesting how drinking becomes so geared in your life. I felt a slight twinge to have a drink and looked over at the clock, yup, 12:30pm, saturday, beer-thirty. Not for me.
I am looking at this urge to drink as habit. Not all urges are, this one most certainly is, so "change of habit". Instead, I going to get on my bike and go for a ride. Then come home and do yard work.

8 days sober

Good News

I received some good news today. And I wanted to celebrate, a desire to have a drink came over me. My solution; I ate a bunch of Girl Scout Cookies (Thin Mints).

Then guilt. I am about to depart for the gym on my bike so I can burn (earn) off those damn cookies.

SMART Recovery

I have joined a program called Smart Recovery. They are a alcohol recovery organization. The sad part is there is no meetings in this area (closest is 200 miles). They do provide meetings and chat and message boards over the internet. Will this work ? I do not know. Has it worked ? Yes.

SMART Recovery® is a recognized resource for addiction recovery by the American Council on Alcoholism, American Academy of Family Physicians, the Center for Health Care Evaluation, The National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA), US Department of Health and Human Services, and the American Society of Addiction Medicine.

Broken

I am a broken, discontinuous soul.

6 days sober

Bad Day

High stress day. Been talking to insurance companies. Also, looking for a Alcohol rehab center for me. It is very difficult to talk to people and tell them your an alcoholic, an alcoholic addict.

My Rides

This is it. At least for the next year or so... or who knows, I could really like it and make it a life style, reduce my carbon footprint (bike).
The horses are already a life habit. That is what my Gal tells me.

5 days sober.

Emergency

Just returned from the emergency room of our local hospital. A relative checked in with acute abdominal pain. They found nothing, pain went away, and she has been referred to a gastroenterologist. But during the ultrasound, they where looking at her liver, I thought: "I would not want to see mine after 35 years of drinking".

Why did I drink ?

Many reason I am sure, not to say that I am aware of them all at this time. Assuredly the physical addiction is one. This craving, demanding of alcohol was present. (Case in point, my 3am to 4am mental flagellation goes like this: idiot! idiot!! idiot!!! dumb ass! dumb ass!! dumb ass!!! repeat. Then at 4:01am, my mind/body mentions a drink. Do not worry intrepid reader I did not drink.) So, as I unwind the Gordian Knot of my addiction, reasons to occur to me.

Irritation. At almost anything, big or small. This is coupled with a personality trait of mine, nonconfrontational. Yes, bottle it up, do not talk about, do not resolve it, drink it away.

This morning as I rode my bike to feed the horses I noticed the car window was down. This irritated me and brought to my attention, as rode, many other minor things that would irritate me. I would let them stack-up then after beer thirty (12:30pm) I could drink them away. And the great thing was they where left unresolved so I could get to the bottle the next day again.

I resolved it today, I rolled up the window. Wow. And it may happen again, I can just say: 'Please roll-up the windows when you park the car.", easy enough.

Tomorrow I will resolve the crumbs on counter issue.

4 days sober.

Why NewLife?

I was having a cup of coffee two days after my DUI and bemoaning my state. For the last 48 hours I could only think was my life was over. I was putting great stress on my self and forcing my self into a depression.

Then a thought broke through, YES your life is over. That old life of being a drunk is finished.

You are now living a NewLife.

I am a alcoholic

Alcoholism, also known as alcohol dependence, is a disabling addictive disorder characterized by the compulsive and uncontrolled abuse of alcohol, despite adverse effects upon the drinker's health and negative social consequences upon his or her life. Similar to other drug addictions, alcoholism is medically defined as a treatable disease.

Why do I say this? It is true, and have two D.U.I's in six years.

Yes I am seeking counseling, and intend to blog my thoughts as I take this journey of sobriety and the evolution of a new life for me.

I never want to drink again. All my worst decision in life have been while I had/or was drinking.

Three days sober.